I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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