Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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