So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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