I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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