Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
