Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
