if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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