so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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