I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He has the fingertips of a God
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
