It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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