So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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