it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we made out on top of his cat.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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