remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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