My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
