I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
