I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I want her autograph on my taint
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
