if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
