i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
