So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
