Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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