If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
