There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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