ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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