You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
