I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
