you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
