i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
