Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
