hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
