meet me or not, i'm out of control
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
