i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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