My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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