Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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