This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
