i dont even know how to be here
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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