his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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