The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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