There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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