I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
