So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
