If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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