i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
