The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
