I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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