OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
