Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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