My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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