"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
