saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize