Do you still have your period?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
